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Friendship
It is an in-depth relationship combining trust, support, communication, loyalty, understanding, empathy, and intimacy.
These are certainly aspects of life that all of us crave.
Being able to trust and relax with your friend is a big part of friendship.
Remember when you were young and went with a friend to her grandmas for the week-end. It was fun but when you got home, home was wonderful. Your feeling was “Im home. I can relax now.”
Thats what a friendship should be.
You go out into the world and do your best. You have your ups and downs, your problems and triumphs, your fun and tribulations. You charm and you perform.
Then you come “home” to a friend. You can relax, put up your feet; you are relieved. If you still have to be charming and/or performing, its not a relief.
Friendship is a comfy situation like home. You get home, kick off your shoes, relax and sigh, “Ahh, home.”
Self-Disclosure builds friendships.
Self-disclosure is usually the first step in establishing a confidant. And it is scary because of the potential rejection factor. Do it anyway!
Start by sharing a few private thoughts and/or feelings with one person you might want for a close friend. If the person is responsive, he/she will usually share a personal thought or two with you.
If he/she is not responsive to your overtures, dont think of this as a rejection.People may be non-responsive for reasons of their own or merely as a perception of yours. Nevertheless, they cant be rejecting you because they dont even know you yet.
Listening and acknowledging builds friendships.
Often when your child, lover/partner, or friend tells you a story or voices a complaint, he/she is just asking for acknowledgment.
This does not mean that he/she wants agreement or compliance; it merely indicates a desire to be heard and understood.
Try these three steps to acknowledgment:
1. Repeat back.
2. Dont invalidate.
3. Dont try to change.
4. Dont problem solve.
Many conflicts in your personal relationships can be avoided if you will take the time to acknowledge others feelings and points of view. For more information about acknowledgement, click here.
Listening and attending builds friendships.
Paying attention to someone is called “attending.” It means that your ears, your eyes, your body and your feelings are all focused on that person at one time. Attending is a very important part of any relationship. It includes:
1. Being there physically
2. Focusing
3. Eye contact
Looking at and focusing on another person shows that you are “there for him/her.” For more information on attending, click here.
Talking Is a Primary Building Block of Friendships.
Talking is an integral component of friendship.
When a friend talks and reveals ideas or feelings, he/she is expecting shared information in return. When the talk is not equal, the person talking feels as if the listener is uninterested.
In fact, the person who is always the listener is really playing the role of a counselor, not a friend. Anytime you have been talking for more than a minute or two without participation from the person you are talking to, you are lecturing, bossing, or putting that person in the role of a counselor.
Loyalty, Equality, and Respect build friendship.
Friends are equal. Without equality, you cant have a close friendship.
Friends are loyal and trustworthy. No one can confide in someone they can not trust to be loyal and to keep his/her secrets.
Friends have similar values. Our value system is so important to us that our friends values must be close to our own or we will not have respect for this friend.
Best friends require one-on-one contact to survive. Telephone calls and getting together are musts for best friends to continue.
In fact, probably the quickest way to end a friendship is to neglect it and sever contact.
Yet it is hard to make time in a busy day and busy life to maintain our friends. But you dont have to have hours to spare to maintain a friendship.
Instead try the following to keep from neglecting your friends:
Send frequent email. Email is a boon for a quick note.
Call once a week. Telephone calls do not take long.
Keep in touch through brief messages left on answering machines.
Send an occasional card. Funny and/or appropriate cards take minutes to choose and address.
Exercise together. We all have to exercise. It is more fun with a friend, plus, there is no better place for talking than a walk in the park.
Clean house together. This is another must do and two makes cleaning fun instead of boring.
Send pictures. A picture is still worth a thousand words.
Go to lunch at least once a month. More often would be better.
Follow the advice of Victoria Rayner, author of The Survival Guide for Todays Career Woman:
Be a good listener; refrain from offering advice or moralizing.
Respect your friends point of view. Different personalities can complement each other; it isnt always necessary to see eye to eye.
Never betray a trust. Trust, when violated, can ruin even the best friendship.
Support and praise your friends; ignore their failures and imperfections.
Never